I have shared a lot about X10 in these columns over the past few months.

You’ve met the “Big Guy,” who runs this place, a guy with a big heart and a softness for bandits. He is so proud of X10 technology that he want to give it all away. He hopes that ultimately everyone will be so happy with X10 products that each X10 product will serve as a world standard in its many product categories.

Meanwhile, we have pointed you to the next big thing. X10’s reticent Web pages tell you everything you ever wanted to know about a major surveillance camera unit or even a tiny remote. If that’s not enough, X10 has customer service people available 24 hours per day to answer your questions. There's even a Wiki to help spread your wisdom to other X10 users.

You might not have noticed, but there is a certain amount of marketing that goes on in this place.

This brings me to my own future.

I won’t be bringing you Xactly after today. X10 has called me to a new direction, in what promises to be an exciting opportunity to build unabashed words that will soon bolster the local landscape surrounding a great new product. My words will bolster a single product, rather than the varieties of creatures you’ve seen escape this blog space.

However, you’ll probably recognize my words when you see them on this Web site. Both of my readers know me quite well. (Hi Mom!)

I look forward to serving you in a different capacity in the weeks ahead.

How about “SeaMaggot?

Your first question is likely to be where does the pub find maggot-sized jockeys to bring each creepy-crawly across the pencil-length track to the finish line?

This is where it gets creative. Fans who gather at the pub actually assign invisible jockeys on each contestant, marveling at the style of each competitor, its composition and each maggot’s ability to buzz to the finish line. The finish line is a stick that must be crossed by the winning maggot. The track can get diverse as well, sometimes including tiny waterfalls, parsley bunches and other obstructions.

Yes, it’s true that maggots have little horse sense, and sometimes they do not follow the beaten path. The excitement comes in the wagering for each entry, as each winning bug wins a collective cash prize for its assigned charity.

Sensing an infective sport, X10 has put its corporate mantra behind the competition, offering to televise each race internationally through the use of four of its Ninja robotic cameras. The cameras are capable of catching close-up of each insect as it makes its way through a forest of twigs and other obstructions along the path. “You can’t imagine the amusement we experience when a little maggot falls off its path and drops its imaginary jockey to the ground,” says Basil Catgut, who has been following the sport for nearly a decade.

SeaMaggot, meanwhile continues on his immortal combat in the Winner’s Circle, as he follows in the footsteps of his equine inspiration, SeaBiscuit. Considering that the life expectancy of an average maggot is less than nine months, SeaMaggot has led a full and productive life.

The entry of X10 into sponsorship will likely widen the interest in the sport across the world, said Rachel Smythe, a reporter for As the Maggots Crawl, the insect equivalent of the Racing Form. X10 is currently perfecting a version of its video sender to put the finished maggot race pictures in proper focus.

Government contractors say they have nearly completed the installation of a top-of-the-line X10 Sentinel camera on the New Orleans levee system. In addition to the camera, the corps will install as many as three motion sensors. “This way we won’t have to wait for the media to tell us if the levee breaks next time,” an engineer remarked. “We’ll be able to tell right away when it’s time to rev up the engines on our getaway plane.”

Among the human life to be saved are Corps and government contractor employees. It is not known if the corps will include a video sender within the system that will send the pictures of the levee breaking to an emergency communications center. “The people who were in harm’s way last August are probably still well out of the way,” one official said. “Those who have the means to leave town quickly are likely to take advantage of early warnings.”

There are some in the city who question the installation package. They believe that the $150 billion installation cost might have been used to build a far better levee system and perhaps save the city from future destruction. “These people obviously have never been a part of the entertainment industry,” a Corps of Engineers official said. “Think of the money that has been generated in the past year by Katrina – just in books, films and documentary television alone.”

Entertainment sources say New Orleans could stand to generate billions of dollars in film revenue should Hurricane Ernesto slam the city during this anniversary week. “This will create dozens of chick flicks for the Lifetime Channel alone!”

Not only would a new hurricane generate billions of dollars in film revenue, sources say it could make or break dozens of careers in broadcast journalism. Some may remember that it was Hurricane Carla slamming Galveston, Texas in 1961 that created a career for an obscure Houston reporter named Dan Rather. Last year, Katrina created another powerhouse, Anderson Cooper.

Entertainment industry officials say MSNBC broadcaster Rita Cosby was last seen in a Gore-Tex retailer purchasing numerous rain slicks and a strap-on wind hat.

No longer would the world pay its respect to that angry lady, Katrina.

Right now, today, his very own hurricane was headed for his native home in Cuba. Ernesto would be looked upon as a powerful force, winds faster than an American government excuse, able to fell tall buildings in a single exhale, and fighting for truth, justice and a FEMA debit card. Ernesto knew his name would soon replace Katrina’s in the American lexicon.

Ernesto had survived several hurricanes himself in Cuba – not to mention the Cuban missile crisis, and peak Soviet oil. Crisis was his calling.

Then again, so was privacy.

For that, he had his X10 privacy kit – a number of Vanguard cameras, motion detectors and a means to control the video scene from his job as Assistant Manager at a Houston Taco Bell. He could limit access not only to his bunker, but the basement at the Memorial Drive home he shared with his Cuban singer friends.

Ernesto was disappointed last summer when Rita failed to hit Houston – and was even more disappointed when he found himself stuck in traffic as he and everyone else was evacuated from the city at the same hour.

This time, he would be ready. He would stand on the side of the clogged freeway selling his secret homage to X10 --a battery-controlled hurricane module that would remotely flush toilets and air condition everyone’s rear-end – without electricity. Instead of a handle, the toilet would have a crank that generated cool air. In a city where temperatures and humidity frequently approached three digits, keeping cool was the difference between life and death.

The American dream would soon be his, Ernesto believed. Someday, after the storm had blown over, Ernesto would be able to pick up a local newspaper and claim his 15 minutes of fame.

“They Called the Cool Wind, Ernesto!” the headline would read.

Clyde “Johnnyboy” Darimple lives just a block away from St. Rose de Lima Catholic Church in Bay St. Louis, which was spared from the worst of the killer storm that sent ante bellum homes, City Hall and even the local Wal-Mart into a pile of debris. A year later, there is still extensive damage everywhere you look – except of course in the lens of Darimple’s surveillance camera. “It’s clearly Jesus,” Darimple told a Florida-based tabloid.

Hundreds of people have suddenly revived the heavily taxed tourist industry in the seaside artist resort 50 miles from New Orleans. The few accommodations left in town had already been booked up by building contractors. Now, the penitent, the contrite, and the old-fashioned grifters have moved back into town, fashioning temporary shelter from boarded up, condemned buildings. Some have even shared the omnipresent, tiny FEMA trailers with local residents who welcome potential revenue generators to the devastated economy.

“I think it’s the ‘Sermon-on-the-Mount’ Jesus,” one California visitor said. “He is definitely looking well-fed – like he just had 500 loaves and fishes.”

“No, I think it’s kind of an older, more mature Jesus, one who just discovered his father’s plans for him,” a Minnesota Lutheran said. “It looks like he’s trying to bargain.”

“I hope this one’s better than the MRI Jesus in Pittsburgh,” a woman carrying rosary beads said, as she entered town on Highway 99. “Imagine people thinking Jesus’ crucifixion would be shown on an MRI!”

“It still beats the fried egg Jesus, and you forced me to follow you all the way to France for that one,” a man, appearing to be the woman’s husband, yelled out.

Meanwhile, Darimple’s neighbor came by his house later that evening. He apparently wasn’t aware of what the fuss was all about. “Hey, Johnnyboy, “ he said. “I hope you don’t mind, but I borrowed your Sentinel camera last night to film my kids at the St Rose de Lima pageant!”

Uncle Albert’s heart seemed to be nearly broken when I visited him the day after his annual vacation. “Everything I did in Las Vegas stayed in Las Vegas,” he said, trying to find some cheer. “Everything I left at home must be staying in Las Vegas too.”

In the living room, where a giant high-definition plasma television had been hanging on the wall, only a large hole in the wall remained. His entire DVD collection – including the entire Three Stooges collector’s edition – was nowhere to be seen. Even the easy chair, in which he sat night after night, was now just a stain on the carpet. It was as if someone had pulled a large moving van up to the house and helped themselves to everything in the house. “They didn’t even leave me a remote!” he said, as if the remote could magically make everything re-appear.

Everyday he would go into the neighbor’s yard and feed their guard dog some extra biscuits. Tonight, the biscuits were gone, and the dog was still expecting a reward for a “heckuva job.”

“They didn’t even leave your grandmother’s picture!” Albert said sadly. “They even took the kids’ pictures – the ones I took when they were still babies.”

Uncle Albert continued his bragging rights, however. “Hey, I managed to win $500 while I was in Las Vegas. Unfortunately, that stayed in Vegas as well.”

“Uncle Albert, “I said. “Haven’t you ever heard of X10?”

“You mean the movie?” he said, with a puzzled look.

“No, that was X-MEN!” I explained. “X10 makes surveillance cameras, motion detectors and devices that let you watch everything that goes on in your house on your laptop while you’re in Las Vegas!”

“Well, at least I still have my laptop,” Uncle Albert said. “That didn’t stay in Vegas.”

“Before you refurbish the house, Uncle Albert,” I said, “you should go to X10.com, and get yourself some cameras, lamp and appliance modules, as well as a motion detector or two.”

“I can’t do that,” Uncle Albert said.

“Why not?” I asked.

“Because I no longer exist!”

“Huh?”

“They stole my identity too!”

Their faces look much like the midnight bandit that has terrorized Kent, Washington in recent weeks. Yet these are no compassionate bandits, they have been known to leave even human blood in their wake. Just 50 miles from X10 headquarters, in the capitol of the state of Washington, women scream at night, it is no longer safe for them to walk with their pets.

One might think that this close to X10, someone might have set up motion sensors, surveillance cameras or at least a machine that goes “ping,” somewhere in the path of thse night stalkers. Yet, they continue to roam without interdiction, leaving only garbage cans and dead pets in their wake.

Raccoons have changed a lot since they served as mascots for the Lake Placid Winter Olympics, and a starring role in a Disney movie. The glaring headlines say it all. A woman experiences a digital attack as the raccoons aim for her fingers while she attempts to free her cat – a poor feline preparing to become a raccoon’s evening meal.

In the state of Washington, animal control officials must pass thorough physical and psychological examinations to prove that they would not frown in the direction of a rabid housefly. This is a state that appreciates its wildlife. But even some of these seasoned officials are getting bewitched, bothered and bewildered as more and more reports come in of raccoons behaving badly. Now, the animal control officials are suggesting that starving the raccoons is the only way to control their behaviors.

“People shouldn’t leave human or pet food where the raccoons can get them,” one Olympia animal control officer warned.

There is, however, a more humane way to get to these furry terrorists. Find the raccoon’s route and put some X10 lamp modules and motion sensors along the way. When the lights go up, turn on the Vanguard cameras and let the raccoons show off their talents. Who knows, with a powerful microphone you might pick up some new Seattle music sound.

At the very least, we might find the midnight bandit in the bunch.

Hollywood has missed out on the greatest possibility yet for drama, and insecurity building on a long, cross-country flight. Fortunately, a group of independent producers using X10 Vanguard cameras have proposed a new revenue-generating proposal in front of Transportation Safety Administration personnel that could totally redirect the way Americans tolerate long-distance flights.

With women now unable to use makeup or hand-lotion onboard, there is really not much need for bathroom trips during a flight, short of a call from nature. Suspicious characters who spend untold time in the cramped lavatory continue to rouse reservations if they take more than their allotted number of minutes. Modest individuals might even risk constipation if they fear that what happens on an airplane lavatory doesn’t stay in the lavatory.

The pornography industry expects to generate income by selling some of the public private moments to a variety of Internet sites. They say the revenue generated could be enough to finance all security measures created within the airline industry in recent years.

Chertoff says scientific trials have shown that both men and women can ordinarily spend the allotted 3-minute restroom session and perform a complete functional restroom trip before the cameras are tripped. Passengers who carry a certificate of discomfort signed by their doctors or health professional may be allotted a few more minutes, but an air marshal must be appointed to stand outside the lavatory door to unlock the door at the agreed-upon time.

Passengers who prolong their stays in the lavatory will be automatically panned by the six X10 security cameras that will pan their every move within the facility. The pictures will originally be transmitted by the Lola Video Senders to displays within the cabins, so fellow passengers can see if the lavatory visitor is considering any terrorist movement during their prolonged visit. Passengers who have extended their time more than two minutes past the allotted times will be subject of a full cabin intervention. “The best part is that there will not be any racial profiling for the intervention… no matter if it’s a terrorist, a celebrity or a businessman, they will be subject to full frontal assault by the passengers for overstaying their welcome.”

When news of the new security measures was announced, passengers were mixed in their reactions.

“Apparently, the terrorists have won,” one passenger said nervously, waiting for his three-minutes of privacy.

“I have absolutely nothing to hide,” another passenger said, unzipping his pants in expectation of a public display.

“What if we have to do number two?” A woman passenger with two small children asked with a puzzled. look.

When the morning skies grow red,
and over us their radiance shed
Thou, O Lord, appeareth in their light
when the alps glow bright with splendor,
pray to God, to Him surrender
for you feel and understand
that He dwelleth in this land

The sportscasters speculated on Cherie’s potential. “Well, Chuck, I think Cherie is almost prepped for her first 10-meter event. As she approaches the springboard, there are those who remember her aerial pyrotechnics in her earlier synchronized diving event….”

“Yes Frank,” the other sportscaster broke in. “Considering that Cherie has never stepped outside of the San Fernando Valley — and doesn’t know where Switzerland is — it’s quite something to see her at this level. I would compare her to China’s own Fu Mingxia – and I expect her to make her run right in Beijing…”

“There she goes Chuck… she’s off the board and making a sensational dive, a musical crescendo that could make a splash without the water...”

“Yes, she was perfect, Frank!”

“It will be interesting to see how the judges score.”

“The numbers are starting to come out, oh look at this near-perfect scores all around – except for one?”

“Yes, Frank, it seems her own mother scored her a 4.2?”

“Oh dear, this is going to cause some upset in the crowd….”

“Chuck, I just got word that Cherie’s mother scored her low because she was smiling at the cameras, in the direction of her dad…”

“Oh yes, I think her mother is extremely upset that her ex-husband forced his way into his daughter’s competition by supplying the new X10 Four-Camera surveillance kit, with software that lets him watch his daughter’s dive from his office through an Internet connection.”

“Oh yes, can you believe that X10 sells this complete kit for just $299?”

“But, hey, but that doesn’t include the cost of our play-by-play….”

“Hey are those security guards trying to drag us out of here?”

“Say good night, Chuck!”

Yes, those Hawaiian shirts being sported around Kent, Washington these days are no accident. (OK, the brown splotches on the blue background worn by the Big Guy IS an accident…) There’s a tropical paradise en route to X10 headquarters in the form of a Wiki. Chances are you’ll probably go there, Wiki, Wiki, as the Hawaiians say.

You may ask, how do I tell a Wiki from a Kihikihi:?

Yes, approval.

The key to a Wiki in the non-Hawaiian sense, is the courage to collaborate. Perhaps you have gathered enough wisdom over the years to be able to understand that when you install an X10 lamp module BOTH prongs must fit into the wall outlet. This wisdom could be very valuable to someone who is electrically challenged. Consequently, you might want to compose your own successful wall outlet experiences for others to enjoy. There may be others within this community who have more advanced skills that benefit those who can’t tell the difference between Lola and IParty.

Wikis are very useful, as you may have guessed if you’ve ever gone to a site like Wikipedia. There are some who say Wikipedia’s primary contribution to the world is that has pretty much eliminated the need for door-to-door encyclopedia sales people. Then, there are those of us who rely on Wikipedia to determine the precise definition of apple and other pies.

Of course, the negative aspect of allowing mass editing of a public document is that sometimes spurious information can be entered willfully at the touch of a keyboard. If, for instance, you read something like:

Xactly was a widely read blog that eventually brought the world to peace, understanding – not to mention compassion for Midnight Bandits...
You might want to check on the information with at least two other reliable sources.

But if you do, I’ll never give you Sara’s home phone number.

Aloha.

What the Congressman didn’t know, was that the musty old headquarters building on the wrong side of town had been subject to numerous burglaries in recent months. A key contributor to the nonprofit had been kind enough to install several X10 Vanguard cameras throughout the building, including the kitchen area where the Congressman apparently helped himself to some petty cash. “I hope that my actions are not misinterpreted, “the Congressman told the Party Boss. “I was not really stealing.”

“Then what exactly WHERE you doing?” the party boss asked?

“This organization was too poor to put on the usual spread I get in my visits,” the Congressman began. “I thought they were doing the best they could for me – you know – there were a couple of vending machines in the corner, so I thought they were offering this to me in lieu of a banquet table.”

“Uhm, you took about $39 – that’s a lot of Coke.”

“Well, yes, but I thought they would feel insulted if I took less.” The Congressman replied.

“Insulted?” the Party Boss was sinking lower and lower in his chair.

“You know, some hosts are insulted if you don’t take everything they offer…” the Congressman said.

“They offered?” the Party Boss replied, with hope in his voice.”

“Well, not exactly. “ The Congressman said. “I thought it was just like when I have lunch with some lobbyists… you know, they’ll not only pick up the tab, but they give me a tip for the honor of having lunch.”

“A tip?” the Party Boss was sweating.

“I still remember that pharmaceutical lobbyist… he was a real cheap skate. I put in legislation that made his company a gazillion billion dollars, and all he gave me for a stinking tip was $500,000. That’s less than one verstunken percent!”

“Calm down, Hans,” The Party Boss was collecting his thoughts, and put his hand gently on top of the Congressman. “We’ve got to figure out a way to explain this to your constituents when the film goes on the air. It’s a good thing your opponent has a prison record and an admitted child molester”

“Admitted?” A smile came to the Congressman’s face.

“After our people go and work him over, he will be…” the Party Boss said.

Of course, I understand that X10 is kind of like Slash/Dot on steroids – everyone here was born with a “Start” button on their left hand and their first baby words were “abort, retry, or ignore?” Let’s face it, we’re all a bunch of nerds who would rather run wires into the basement on a beautiful summer day than perform in a swimming, running, rock-climbing triathlon. (OK, maybe that’s just me?)

Still, one of these days, I’m sure there will be a reunion of all who have pined for answers in the X10 Forums, all who have sent emails to the Buzz Bisbee asking if he got into trouble for his bargain sales while the boss was away, and all who have ever dreamed about going to Kent, Washington one day.

I can already picture a massive weenie roast, as the hot coals inside our recently recalled Sony batteries from our Dell laptops reach a boiling point. There will of course be the 1-2-3 punch for the party, perhaps sweetened by an adult beverage. The Big Guy will give an informed talk about X10s daring future strategy in which it will attempt to dance limbos under its competitors. After his speech, the Big Guy will bring tears to everyone’s eyes, as he passes the hat around in an effort to convince his lawyers that the company has not become a non-profit.

Late in the evening, as the weenies continue to roast, the marshmallows are readied with chocolate and graham crackers, the games will begin in earnest. Someday, everyone will be able to play “Pin the Tail on the Midnight Bandit,” but for now, it will be just our select group. Someday, everyone will be able to play “Point the Vanguard at the Smith’s kitchen sink,” but for now, only we can take schadenfreude in watching Mr. Smith’s mistress see his kitchen when the Mrs. is away. That closeup view of the old pizza boxes, the beer bottles and the Chinese takeout from a restaurant that was shut down three years ago, will bring a special chuckle to the gathering.

It will be an evening to remember, if it is not forgotten.

What do you think? How should the X10 community come together? Go ahead, make my day. Comment below.

This would make up for all the times the boys teased him in junior high. This would make up for the time that his girlfriend, Gertrude left him for a “much cuddlier” Shar-Pei. This would make up for his failing to get into Police Academy. After all, the movie had been R-rated, and he was not yet 17.

Tonight, Billy Bob had seemingly brought an end to the war on terror.

Tonight, Billy Bob had caught the biggest cog in the spinning wheel of the nattering nabobs of negativism.

All it took, for Billy Bob, was a six-camera pack of X10 Vanguard cameras trained exclusively on the home of his neighbor, Matilda K. Greensprings, a veteran reporter for the local liberal rag. She called herself a “newspaper reporter,” but Billy Bob knew that – like all terrorists” – Matilda hated our freedoms.

Matilda had openly questioned one of Billy Bob’s freedoms. She had discovered that Billy Bob maintained an armory of weapons that filled up three rooms in the house – including what used to be the baby’s nursery, before Mrs. Billy Bob moved out in fear.

Billy Bob’s painstaking surveillance had discovered Matilda had accumulated an un-natural cauldron of assorted hotel-sized bottles of shampoo, conditioner and lotions in her garage. Billy Bob’s cameras had observed Matilda mixing the hotel-sized containers into larger bottles that seemed big enough to explode an aircraft carrier.

Each night, Billy Bob had watched as Matilda came home and mixed the suspicious bottles in her garage. Patiently, she would take bottle after tiny bottle and pour them into a larger container. Her eyes seemed focused; her smile grew wicked as each larger container was filled to the brim.

To Billy Bob, Matilda threatened the future of everything he held dear. He had even asked her at one time, “are you with us or the terrorist?” Matilda had simply laughed hysterically.

Now, he was ready to bring his evidence to the local police. He alerted the local television and talk radio stations to let them know he was about to make history. He drove hurriedly to the police station – so hurriedly he didn’t have to drive all the way there. A policeman quickly pulled him over and asked him if he knew what he was doing.

“Of course I know, officer,” he said. “I have proof here that Matilda Greensprings is truly a terrorist!”

“Matilda?” the officer said. “You mean, the same reporter person who had a story in this morning’s paper about her efforts to recycle all the shampoo bottles being confiscated at the airport for use in homeless shelters? What about her?

Now, when you get on a plane, you can’t help but think of the latest headlines designed to super-size your fear: “We’re all going to get blown to bits by a bottle of Channel Number Five.”

X10 researchers have been gathering at a secret underground research facility near their Kent, Washington headquarters in recent days, as they brainstormed ways that the company could score some extra income from this worldwide air rage, and perhaps get a nomination for the Nobel Peace Prize.

X10 has a history of creating devices that sense terror, spy on bad omens and let you watch it all in the comfort of your easy chair. X10 has dozens of spy cameras, pendants that signal for help and control your entire house with a remote control. There must be some way that the company could come up with something that would identify terrorists, bring them to their knees and disengage their brain cells one stem at a time.

Of course it also wouldn’t hurt if X10 could make a profit. Perhaps whatever product resulted could be sold to a more exclusive customer base – maybe Halliburton? “It could be like selling printers – we can sell the product for $19.99 and charge $10 million for the batteries,” one X10 marketing manager said.

As the brainstorming session crawled slowly into the wacky weekend celebration at headquarters, the local winery grape harvest had come into full distillation. As the evenings fermented, thoughts were being itemized on the flip chart, one crackpot idea at a time.

“How about we make a brain wave sensor that can tell airline officials when they’re boarding a passenger who is severely depressed?” was the first suggestion.

“Sure, you’re asking someone to come into this tiny tube, sit in a sardine can and listen to crying babies for six hours and not be miserable?” Another manager responded.

“How about we just pipe in everyone’s thoughts as they board an airplane?” Another researcher asked.

“How many times do you want to hear “this food sucks?” a manager responded.

“Well then, how about if we create a spy camera that has a high enough resolution to read the laundry instructions on a passenger’s underwear? Imagine you’re one of these whack jobs that doesn’t care about killing himself and everyone else on a plane – but if he knows that the condition of his underwear is going to be shown on the Internet – where his mother can see it – he might think again!”

“I think you’ve got something there,” a marketing manager responded with a bright smile.

If you’re like me, sometimes opportunity knocks at the wrong time. It has been very tough for me to answer the door, ever since I had to fire the butler – when he insisted that he only worked for money, not the prestige of working for me…

Imagine, if you will, the night air ringing your chimes – right next to the bath tub. Immediately you can be alerted to the sound of opportunity.

But you say to yourself, I have the engineering skills of a demented fruit fly. I couldn’t possibly install the advanced X10 technology right here in my bathroom, never mind the dangers imposed by the act of installing an appliance at my front door.

How could I ever string the wire from the front door to the bathroom without my cats getting themselves entangled into a scene right out of a “kitty porn” movie?

Once again, X10 has the answer.

You can get a brand new, three-piece wireless doorbell lit for less than a bag of gourmet kitty food. You can install it in seconds without even a screw driver! The front-door button simply sticks on the front door frame, as does the chime that you install anywhere in your house. The wireless transceiver that sends signals across your living space from the front door even has an outlet to plug in a light or appliance.

What a gift for relatives with hearing problem that may not even hear the chimes. By plugging in a light, your loved one can SEE when someone is ringing the front door bell.

Enjoy that bubble bath. Let freedom ring.

From now on, just let the world stop by and ring your chimes.