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Getting to Know Me — Too Well

One of the great things about being a stand-up comedian is that after a while you start attracting fans.

I’ve been at this for just a couple of years, so I’m no Rosie O’Donnell. But I’ve started accumulating groupies that hang out at the comedy club pretty regularly. If I buy them enough drinks, they’ll even say I’m a decent comedian. If I buy them dinner, they’ll compare me to Ellen Degeneres. If I buy both drinks and dinner, they’ll compare me to Jack Benny. (Which of course is ironic, since Jack Benny had a reputation for being cheap – not to mention being a man).

Still, some groupies get out of hand. Sometimes they expect me to entertain them long after the show is over. Some of these groupies have even started a local business selling maps to “comedian’s homes.”

That may explain why I moved to a house directly across the street from a large cemetery. I explain to my friends that young optimistic people buy homes near a school. People my age buy a home near a cemetery.

But even the spooky cemetery doesn’t stop people from pursing me after hours, in hopes of getting that extra up-close and personal moment. Some well-known entertainers have had strange uninvited people show up inside their kitchens near the knife drawer. This is not a pretty thing.

So, thanks to X10 I’ve created an anti-stalking entertainment system for my true fans. It’s just a simple set of surveillance cameras with Robotic Pan-n-Tilt controls that are connected to a motion detector.

When anyone approaches the cemetery across the street, the cameras go into action. A screen comes down across the fence, and a year-old video of my one of my performances is flashed across the screen. This has a three-fold purpose:

It entertains my fan(s)
My neighbors hate it.
It keeps the evil spirits across the street WITHIN the cemetery – I don’t presume they have a sense of humor.

I understand no one -- at least those among the living -- has ever dared travel across the street since the installation.


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