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I'm Ready for My Closeup, Mr. X10

America is on fire…

A heat wave from coast to coast is sending half of America into shopping malls and other air conditioned public areas, while the other half sips mint juleps by the swimming pool. An egg is frying from my nose, I have removed every bit of clothing the law allows.

So, what do I see in my Mid-Summer Day’s Dream?

I see a Christmas present for my family. Not the simple “get down to “BigBox Land and buy something” present. Not even a complex “Gift of the Magi,” where I get a dermabrasion for my zit-filled face, only to get acne cream as a present for myself.

For this Christmas, my present must be something that everyone in my family can enjoy. Something more than the autographed picture of myself that I gave everyone last year. No, this year, I will do better than a photograph.

This year, I’ll make a video!

I’ll make a video of myself getting rid of dozens of pounds of ugly fat. I have reached a place in my life where I need to be able to fly away on a business trip without having to buy two seats. I need to be able to freely go into Victoria’s Secret and not be directed to “Sag Harbor.” I need to have my back enter the room at the same time my front does.

My family needs to see me at least try.

That’s why I think I will install some X10 XCam2 WideEye InstantON cameras above my treadmill. These cameras will be able to focus in on all sides of me, and then I can pick out the side that looks best. This way, everyone will always see only my good side. Not that I’m ready to actually get on the treadmill, or even go up the stairs of my house to GET to the treadmill…. But one day, before Christmas, I’ll make it happen.

Yet, the X10 Sentinel allows me to focus in deeply enough so that my family can watch a sliver of sweat-covered mascara drop on my face, accented by the sound effects CD I keep for this purpose. They will be able to watch me slowly bend my knee and pretend to walk at a pace equal to the speed of the fast-moving treadmill. They will be able to witness poetry – if not a perfect silhouette – in motion.

Even if I show up at Christmas looking 20 pounds heavier than I do today, (it takes at least two cream puffs to get the energy to go upstairs and turn the camera on) my family will intimately know that I am finally doing something about that global bulking problem.

Now, if only America would do something about global warming. What did I do with that mint julep?


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