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Dreams of a Super-Detective

Billy Bob Jensen adjusted the aluminum foil on his protective cap. He never expected that he would see what he was seeing. His lifelong challenge to be a first-class detective was about to win him a spot in the history books. It was hard enough to dim his enthusiasm as he watched the action next door on his X10 video sender.

This would make up for all the times the boys teased him in junior high. This would make up for the time that his girlfriend, Gertrude left him for a “much cuddlier” Shar-Pei. This would make up for his failing to get into Police Academy. After all, the movie had been R-rated, and he was not yet 17.

But now, he knew that the world would look to him in a far different way. He would be on all the TV talk shows, his picture would be plastered from the covers of Newsweek and People. Larry King would shoot big-time questions at him.

Tonight, Billy Bob had seemingly brought an end to the war on terror.

Tonight, Billy Bob had caught the biggest cog in the spinning wheel of the nattering nabobs of negativism.

All it took, for Billy Bob, was a six-camera pack of X10 Vanguard cameras trained exclusively on the home of his neighbor, Matilda K. Greensprings, a veteran reporter for the local liberal rag. She called herself a “newspaper reporter,” but Billy Bob knew that – like all terrorists” – Matilda hated our freedoms.

Matilda had openly questioned one of Billy Bob’s freedoms. She had discovered that Billy Bob maintained an armory of weapons that filled up three rooms in the house – including what used to be the baby’s nursery, before Mrs. Billy Bob moved out in fear.

Billy Bob’s painstaking surveillance had discovered Matilda had accumulated an un-natural cauldron of assorted hotel-sized bottles of shampoo, conditioner and lotions in her garage. Billy Bob’s cameras had observed Matilda mixing the hotel-sized containers into larger bottles that seemed big enough to explode an aircraft carrier.

Each night, Billy Bob had watched as Matilda came home and mixed the suspicious bottles in her garage. Patiently, she would take bottle after tiny bottle and pour them into a larger container. Her eyes seemed focused; her smile grew wicked as each larger container was filled to the brim.

To Billy Bob, Matilda threatened the future of everything he held dear. He had even asked her at one time, “are you with us or the terrorist?” Matilda had simply laughed hysterically.

Now, he was ready to bring his evidence to the local police. He alerted the local television and talk radio stations to let them know he was about to make history. He drove hurriedly to the police station – so hurriedly he didn’t have to drive all the way there. A policeman quickly pulled him over and asked him if he knew what he was doing.

“Of course I know, officer,” he said. “I have proof here that Matilda Greensprings is truly a terrorist!”

“Matilda?” the officer said. “You mean, the same reporter person who had a story in this morning’s paper about her efforts to recycle all the shampoo bottles being confiscated at the airport for use in homeless shelters? What about her?


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