I have shared a lot about X10 in these columns over the past few months.

You’ve met the “Big Guy,” who runs this place, a guy with a big heart and a softness for bandits. He is so proud of X10 technology that he want to give it all away. He hopes that ultimately everyone will be so happy with X10 products that each X10 product will serve as a world standard in its many product categories.

How about “SeaMaggot?

Government contractors say they have nearly completed the installation of a top-of-the-line X10 Sentinel camera on the New Orleans levee system. In addition to the camera, the corps will install as many as three motion sensors. “This way we won’t have to wait for the media to tell us if the levee breaks next time,” an engineer remarked. “We’ll be able to tell right away when it’s time to rev up the engines on our getaway plane.”

No longer would the world pay its respect to that angry lady, Katrina.

Right now, today, his very own hurricane was headed for his native home in Cuba. Ernesto would be looked upon as a powerful force, winds faster than an American government excuse, able to fell tall buildings in a single exhale, and fighting for truth, justice and a FEMA debit card. Ernesto knew his name would soon replace Katrina’s in the American lexicon.

Clyde “Johnnyboy” Darimple lives just a block away from St. Rose de Lima Catholic Church in Bay St. Louis, which was spared from the worst of the killer storm that sent ante bellum homes, City Hall and even the local Wal-Mart into a pile of debris. A year later, there is still extensive damage everywhere you look – except of course in the lens of Darimple’s surveillance camera. “It’s clearly Jesus,” Darimple told a Florida-based tabloid.

Uncle Albert’s heart seemed to be nearly broken when I visited him the day after his annual vacation. “Everything I did in Las Vegas stayed in Las Vegas,” he said, trying to find some cheer. “Everything I left at home must be staying in Las Vegas too.”

In the living room, where a giant high-definition plasma television had been hanging on the wall, only a large hole in the wall remained. His entire DVD collection – including the entire Three Stooges collector’s edition – was nowhere to be seen. Even the easy chair, in which he sat night after night, was now just a stain on the carpet. It was as if someone had pulled a large moving van up to the house and helped themselves to everything in the house. “They didn’t even leave me a remote!” he said, as if the remote could magically make everything re-appear.

Everyday he would go into the neighbor’s yard and feed their guard dog some extra biscuits. Tonight, the biscuits were gone, and the dog was still expecting a reward for a “heckuva job.”

Their faces look much like the midnight bandit that has terrorized Kent, Washington in recent weeks. Yet these are no compassionate bandits, they have been known to leave even human blood in their wake. Just 50 miles from X10 headquarters, in the capitol of the state of Washington, women scream at night, it is no longer safe for them to walk with their pets.

One might think that this close to X10, someone might have set up motion sensors, surveillance cameras or at least a machine that goes “ping,” somewhere in the path of thse night stalkers. Yet, they continue to roam without interdiction, leaving only garbage cans and dead pets in their wake.

Hollywood has missed out on the greatest possibility yet for drama, and insecurity building on a long, cross-country flight. Fortunately, a group of independent producers using X10 Vanguard cameras have proposed a new revenue-generating proposal in front of Transportation Safety Administration personnel that could totally redirect the way Americans tolerate long-distance flights.

With women now unable to use makeup or hand-lotion onboard, there is really not much need for bathroom trips during a flight, short of a call from nature. Suspicious characters who spend untold time in the cramped lavatory continue to rouse reservations if they take more than their allotted number of minutes. Modest individuals might even risk constipation if they fear that what happens on an airplane lavatory doesn’t stay in the lavatory.

When the morning skies grow red,
and over us their radiance shed
Thou, O Lord, appeareth in their light
when the alps glow bright with splendor,
pray to God, to Him surrender
for you feel and understand
that He dwelleth in this land

Yes, those Hawaiian shirts being sported around Kent, Washington these days are no accident. (OK, the brown splotches on the blue background worn by the Big Guy IS an accident…) There’s a tropical paradise en route to X10 headquarters in the form of a Wiki. Chances are you’ll probably go there, Wiki, Wiki, as the Hawaiians say.

You may ask, how do I tell a Wiki from a Kihikihi:?

Of course, I understand that X10 is kind of like Slash/Dot on steroids – everyone here was born with a “Start” button on their left hand and their first baby words were “abort, retry, or ignore?” Let’s face it, we’re all a bunch of nerds who would rather run wires into the basement on a beautiful summer day than perform in a swimming, running, rock-climbing triathlon. (OK, maybe that’s just me?)

This would make up for all the times the boys teased him in junior high. This would make up for the time that his girlfriend, Gertrude left him for a “much cuddlier” Shar-Pei. This would make up for his failing to get into Police Academy. After all, the movie had been R-rated, and he was not yet 17.

Now, when you get on a plane, you can’t help but think of the latest headlines designed to super-size your fear: “We’re all going to get blown to bits by a bottle of Channel Number Five.”

If you’re like me, sometimes opportunity knocks at the wrong time. It has been very tough for me to answer the door, ever since I had to fire the butler – when he insisted that he only worked for money, not the prestige of working for me…