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Father Really Does Know Best!

I guess Dad is going to get a tie again.

It’s not that I lack creativity in my Father’s Day shopping. I had made plans several months ago when I got a call from the local ferry system that Dad had decided to go skinny dipping in the Bay during one of the ferry’s commuter runs into the city.

The last time he did this, I told him to at least try to find an isolated river bank on a Sunday morning where no one could watch him. For some reason, he wasn’t interested in that. Still, I was a bit concerned that at the very least; Dad was risking a sexual harassment suit from one of the young ladies he had handpicked for his audience.

That’s when I decided, it might be time to get him one of those personal security pendants from X10. Those pendants set off a siren guaranteed to drive off those young ladies and anyone else who might be innocently stuck within one of his weird games. At the same time, he can call anyone of four telephone numbers — including mine — for a quick ride home and out of trouble.

It was a great plan, and I think Dad might even play along when he realizes that we’re trying to help him in a time of impending trouble.

But then, I had the pendant with me, getting ready to wrap Dad’s present when I realized it came in handy for other things. I was in this cheesy downtown bar, having a talk as I usually do on a lonely Friday night, with my friend Jack Daniels. Just then, this vagrant, with three teeth and a patch over one eye, stared at me with his temporarily smoke-free eyes, breathing fire and demonstrating evidence that Listerine had never touched his lips. His voice sent a chill down my back, wanting me to run to the nearest used car dealer, or anyplace where I could breathe in more class.

“Are you married?” he asked me.

“No!” I sheepishly answered.

“Will you marry me then?” he sprayed me with his spit.

“I’m so sorry, but I have to wash my hair tonight!”

“Could I have a quarter then?” he asked…

I couldn’t take it anymore. I had to do something. I reached for the pendant… Fortunately I had Dad’s home phone number already programmed in. The vagrant was not even slightly put off by the siren….

I walked into the ladies’ room. I waited. I waited a little longer, and finally my Dad showed up.

He had come so quickly, that he neglected to put on his pants.

“I understand you asked for my daughter’s hand in marriage…” I heard my father say.

The vagrant’s footsteps were loud as he stammered out the door and up the stairs.

Thanks X10, I think I’ll just keep the pendant for myself.


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