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Your letters continued...

My girlfriend is very hot, and Hollywood apparently knows it. Just last week she won the opportunity to get on one of those “bachelor” reality shows. She was all excited about the opportunity to not only win a million dollars, but be matched up with one of those hunk bachelors that could afford to buy an X10-driven dream house with all sorts of electronics. She says even if she has to marry one of those hunk millionaires, she will still maintain our relationship on the side. But, just yesterday I learned that the hunk bachelors she will choose from are O. J. Simpson and Robert Blake.

Should I be worried?
- Gunther in Hollywood.

Dear Gunther:

Not if you have get plenty of tiny X10 surveillance cameras with tiny microphones to put all over the married couple’s residence. Put a couple in the kitchen, living room, bathrooms, and bedrooms and even on the family pet. You’ll be able to keep an eye on the happy couple after they’re married and you’ll be able to transmit and record the pictures to the nearest recording device that is admissible in court. At best you’ll be able to put together your own reality show.

I am beginning to have an unnatural relationship with Lola. My wife complains when I bring Lola to bed with me. I can’t help it but Lola just lies there and lets me push her buttons. She’ll get me just about anything I want with her cable connection. She still hasn’t learned how to get me a beer after a particular warm night, but she has brought me some special moments of action that I can’t describe (until I finally figure out World Cup Soccer). My wife would rather I take Lola to the living room couch and learn to get my soccer kicks from my mother who is visiting us from Bulgaria.
- Vaclev in Hackensack, NJ

Dear Vaclev:

I think it’s best you join your mother in the living room with Lola. How you could have married someone who doesn’t enjoy World Cup Soccer sounds silly to me. Sounds like your wife is being stubborn and you need to open up to the possibility of getting some inexpensive X10 surveillance cameras for the entertainment of your nearest divorce lawyer. See the question above for ideas on how to do this.


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