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The President is All Hands

German Chancellor Angela Merkel has put in an emergency order at X10 for a motion detector to intuit any future approaches by an American president. The custom motion detector will sense the aroma of barbecued pig, executive Blackberries or pomposity.

If it detects a target presence, the motion detector will automatically light up floodlights in the German Bundestaag, where a team of lawyers is prepared to give Merkel “deliverance” from the American misogynist within a flash of paparazzi lights.

The order was entered just hours after Germany’s top executive was inappropriately fondled by the President of the United States. Mr. Bush pretended he was giving the chancellor a back massage, vigorously rubbing her neck and upper back. Ms. Merkel was not a happy camper. “Who does he think I am — some kind of intern?” she yelled in heavily accented English to a Secret Service agent.

“No, that was the previous President,” the Secret Service agent told her.

“I don’t care, he is a dumb Kopf! At least a schweinhundt,” Merkel said.

“If you were in America I could throw you to the ground and have you arrested for that,” the agent answered.

“Schweinhundt, Schweinhundt, Schweinhundt” Merkel repeated.

“Mr. Bush is just a touchy-feely kind of guy!” the agent said with remorse.

“Dumb Kopf, dumb Kopf, dumb Kopf, “ the Chancellor repeated herself again.

“You have no respect for the SS do you, Madam Füerer?”

“Don’t make me laugh,” she answered.

It had been a painful week already. After hosting the World Cup, where Germany had to settle for third place, she had to host the American President, and this was one time she wasn’t going to settle for third or second place. After the President attempted to kiss her on the cheek, Chancellor Merkel set up an X10 appliance module on the microphone near Bush and Prime Minister Tony Blair. With her remote in pocket, she turned the microphone on and off, after waiting for an opportune moment in the Blair/Bush conversation.

When the President spoke in a language that even Germans know, she fired on the microphone, telling her aide “I hope that the American FCC hears this and makes him pay one of those huge fines!”

Despite her visible anger, the President remained unapologetic. He slowly approached her, whispered in her ear and said: “Is there any more of that boar left?”


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