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Enforcing Limited Privacy

Anyone who has been on an airplane lately can tell there are far more serious security problems on board than “Snakes on a Plane.”

Hollywood has missed out on the greatest possibility yet for drama, and insecurity building on a long, cross-country flight. Fortunately, a group of independent producers using X10 Vanguard cameras have proposed a new revenue-generating proposal in front of Transportation Safety Administration personnel that could totally redirect the way Americans tolerate long-distance flights.

With women now unable to use makeup or hand-lotion onboard, there is really not much need for bathroom trips during a flight, short of a call from nature. Suspicious characters who spend untold time in the cramped lavatory continue to rouse reservations if they take more than their allotted number of minutes. Modest individuals might even risk constipation if they fear that what happens on an airplane lavatory doesn’t stay in the lavatory.

The brilliant minds behind the American pornography industry have proposed that each on-board lavatory be equipped with a series of X10 surveillance cameras that are automatically triggered after the door has been locked for more than three minutes. “I believe three minutes is a judicious amount of time for everyone to accomplish their mission within an airplane lavatory,” says Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff. “I think anything that happens after three minutes becomes the property of the public trust.”

The pornography industry expects to generate income by selling some of the public private moments to a variety of Internet sites. They say the revenue generated could be enough to finance all security measures created within the airline industry in recent years.

Chertoff says scientific trials have shown that both men and women can ordinarily spend the allotted 3-minute restroom session and perform a complete functional restroom trip before the cameras are tripped. Passengers who carry a certificate of discomfort signed by their doctors or health professional may be allotted a few more minutes, but an air marshal must be appointed to stand outside the lavatory door to unlock the door at the agreed-upon time.

Passengers who prolong their stays in the lavatory will be automatically panned by the six X10 security cameras that will pan their every move within the facility. The pictures will originally be transmitted by the Lola Video Senders to displays within the cabins, so fellow passengers can see if the lavatory visitor is considering any terrorist movement during their prolonged visit. Passengers who have extended their time more than two minutes past the allotted times will be subject of a full cabin intervention. “The best part is that there will not be any racial profiling for the intervention… no matter if it’s a terrorist, a celebrity or a businessman, they will be subject to full frontal assault by the passengers for overstaying their welcome.”

When news of the new security measures was announced, passengers were mixed in their reactions.

“Apparently, the terrorists have won,” one passenger said nervously, waiting for his three-minutes of privacy.

“I have absolutely nothing to hide,” another passenger said, unzipping his pants in expectation of a public display.

“What if we have to do number two?” A woman passenger with two small children asked with a puzzled. look.


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