X-Actly

In the thick underbelly of downtown Hong Kong, a crack team of X10 scientists is carefully developing the next generation of electronics. This is an operation so secret that not even Vice President Cheney has access to this undisclosed location. In order to be approved for access you must first extend the secret Slash/Dot handshake, be able to recite the Microsoft Windows 95 User’s Agreement backwards, and know the magic words: “Retry, Abort, or ignore?”

Instead of going to all that trouble, I called my friend at the NSA who gave me a transcript of a recent telephone conversation they recorded between X10 offices in Hong Kong and Kent, Washington. The transcript was both illuminating and forbidding.

Right on top was a reference to the next generation of X-10’s Active Home product. While Active Home allows you control the lights – along with other electronics in the house, Active Home 2007 will permit you to control your entire life with a simple credit-card sized remote.

Are bill collectors approaching your front door? Simply press “rewind” on the remote and the bill collectors walk backwards and go back to their car. The same trick works for religious zealots, unwanted neighbors and political candidates.

Are your kids not performing well at school? Simply press “bright” and your children will not only know the name of the capitol of Kentucky — but spell L-o-u-i-s-v-i-l-l-e.

What’s that? The capitol of Kentucky is spelled F-r-a-n-k-f-o-r-t?

Well, this product is still in beta, and not yet perfect.

Active Home 2007 will also allow your teenagers to hit fast-forward when they are carded while buying beer at a convenience store. One glitch still to be overcome in this feature is that facial hair grows to the full duration of the fast-forward command. This may be a deal breaker among female teenagers.

The “pause” button on Active Home 2007 adds a unique home protection feature. Say you are confronted by a truckload of thugs in your neighborhood ready to plunder and pillage through your house. Simply hit “pause” and you can get in your car, drive off across town and stay out of their way — before they can even see you or family members.

Active Home 2007, when you absolutely, positively don’t want to be there.